I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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