My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
