Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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