I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
