How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
