I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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