I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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