i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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