OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
