Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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