I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
