I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
