You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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