I'll bet she douches with gravy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
