I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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