I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
