he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
