Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
