i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
