I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
