This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
