we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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