In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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