i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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