i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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