At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
