the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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