EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize