Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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