i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
