Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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