I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Floor bacon is actually really good
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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