Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
