it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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