i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
