And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
