she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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