I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
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