i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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