I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
