I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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