Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
