my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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