One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
