He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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