shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
