i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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