I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
