I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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