I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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