I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
