we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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