its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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