sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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