I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
