so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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