Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
