My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
