Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize