last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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