I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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