I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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