The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
